Chaotic + Fun Flow Of Motherhood In This Crazy World

I knew I always wanted to have children. And my first job confirmed it. I remember thinking, “I could do it so much better”. And this was simply based off what I was observing from other families at my job.

I met my husband when I was 23 and once we both graduated from college/grad school, we got married. He always told me he wanted me to be at stay-at-home mom and every time he brought it up in conversation, my face would light up like a Christmas tree. To me, I wanted nothing more than to be home with my future kids. And I’m still not sure why. Maybe it’s because I didn’t want to work my life away? It’s not that I had experience with raising a family so I had no idea why that was a dream for me, but it was.

I grew up in a split home with my sisters and younger brother. My younger brother suffers from cerebral palsy. My sisters and I would go to my dads every other weekend. We really didn’t know any different - it was our normal. Whereas, my husband’s parents didn’t divorce until he graduated from high school. His mom stayed home and took care of them along with the house and everything that comes with raising a family. I think from an outsider looking in, it sounds so easy, but there are many facets that can either make or break a motherhood.

I had my first born at 31 and he flipped my world upside down in a million different ways. I did not realize how hard things would be. The transition was honestly the hardest part and… there are so many transitions. Once you think you’ve got things “under control” things feel like they take a massive turn in the opposite direction.

But with me… I like change? and motherhood has a ton of changes throughout all stages. And right now, I’m in the early stages of it all. Some are discreet changes and some are full blown tornadoes. But again, I like change… but I also love a foundational routine or I lose my shit LOL. I’m a laid back type B, but also a routine-driven type A. What is wrong with me? But I also am not a rule-follower, so once things start to feel robotic - I start to lack passion and creativity and… flow.

I LOVED my college years - and I had a lot of them. I spent the first few years in school studying general education classes and then transferred and graduated two years behind the year I was “supposed to”. Worked for a year (while also retaking classes at a local community college) and then went back to school for two more years for dental hygiene. I love learning - well I didn’t when I was at my first college, I was having fun ;). But eventually I started to enjoy school and I didn’t realize how much my soul craved the flexibility of college. A few classes here, a few classes there. Take a break outside, go sit in a coffee shop, do school work, workout whenever you feel like it etc etc.

So when I started working, I felt in my bones this was just not for me. It is so depressing clocking in and clocking out doing the same thing day after day. I always felt like a hamster in a hamster wheel - like this is not the purpose of living: being stuck in a building all day? No sunshine? No fun? I really do not enjoy it. And then after I had my first, I worked two days a week and that felt doable… but I had a baby. Juggling sleep, breastfeeding around the clock, starting solids, keeping up with the house… it all just felt very chaotic for me.

And then we got pregnant again, my firstborn was about 15 months old (he just started walking!). We planned both these pregnancies, by the way. So it’s not like they were surprise babies, but nonetheless, things started to get real very quick (and very exhausting).

Motherhood isn’t at all what I imagined. But as I sit here writing this for you, both of them are three and 15 months. And things feel good. I feel like we have a routine and I am starting to learn what works for us and what doesn’t. Going from one baby to two has been very revealing in the sense that I actually had way more time than I thought when I only had one, but now that I have two… I know what it is like and now it make sense to me why mom’s have more (especially stay-at-home mom’s).

I believe babies are actually easier. But I would have said the opposite after I had my first. What I’m starting to recognize is that babies are work in a physically demanding way along with the emotions of breastfeeding and being postpartum, but actually having the baby can feel rather simple. But then when they become more emotional beings, it starts to feel more confronting because I feel like I am always being reminded of or trying to remember how my childhood felt and what things I didn’t like and how to make sure I don’t repeat history with my own children. I read a book and she said how motherhood can start to feel more of a spirtiual experience because you’re not just saying “no don’t do that, don’t do this”, you’re also checking-in with yourself - constantly. I find myself wanting to slow down, but also losing my patience simultaneously, too. It can be hard to explain, but I guess if you’re living a similar life, you’d know what I’m talking about… right? Let me know in the comments.

I guess we also tend to overthink “our jobs”. It can be easier… or can it? It’s like a freaking see-saw. But the goal is to find a happy medium. Teaching my children how to take care of themselves and their belongings while also embracing fun. We let go, but then shit hits the fan… and then you reel it back in and then the cycle repeats itself. It’s wild.

And like I said, this whole motherhood experience so far, is not what I expected when I dreamed of having a family. But I guess that’s how most things are in life - romanticized. BUT it’s the best thing ever and it’s almost better than what I imagined at the same time? Again… another opposing thought/feeling.

We tend to want to rush the hard stuff and distract our kids so we can “get things done”. What I’m learning is I think I am a product of distraction. We watched a lot of tv growing up and my mom was always cleaning and I remember feeling sad sometimes when my mom was so consumed with keeping the house clean rather than spending time with us and getting to know our interests. And so I guess I really don’t want to be that way, but i find myself feeling like I am… even though I do intentional parenting. I am always cleaning and I definetly feel I prioritize it because if i don’t do it, then it won’t get done and I do not enjoy letting my house to go to crap while also wanting to teach my kids how to take care of their space aka our home. It’s our oasis, not a prison. We need to take care of our things, but… also have fun. WHAT THE FAQ.

Being a stay-at-home-mom officially - my dream come true - is the most rewarding and confronting thing I’ve ever done and will continue to do. And it really does (well now) remind of me the flexibility we have in college, but instead, I’m the student AND the professor. I’m learning every single day, but also teaching my children every single day how to be a human in this crazy world.